(the world I live is not known by anybody.This place serves only me and because of this, it is my own world.)It is the place in which I study,watch movies and listen to music in tranquality.It contains some special things.
Firstly ,as you open the door, you feel the mystery.Many years ago, my brother had this room and he died in it and now, I have it.Although I don' t believe it , everybody who comes to my room feels it.The other thing , it is a cozy place and what makes it cozy is the wall's colour.The colour is purple ,but it is not dark purple.It affects your mood since you enter it.At the right side of the room, there is bed.It belonged to my brother and in front of you,you can see my bed.It's near the window.Due to this,while you are listening music,you can enjoy the sky's beauty.At the corner,my computer sits on the desk and at the bottom of it,there are some dvd , some musıc's cd.You can choose one of them and you enjoy it.Another thing is bookcases.Actually, this bookcase belongs to my father.It is composed of his books.
It is my world.When I was a young child ,I didn't like my room, but now I like (ıt is peaceful atmosphere.)
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hi evrim. I read your writing and liked it. Introduction is effective. Body paragraph has descriptive details, however; I think you can improve them. :) Conclusion has the summary of the writing. It relates to thesis statement.
ReplyDeletehi evrim your essay is very good but your sentences are very short if you write a bit longer with discriptions it will be better and also it has some grammatical problems.
ReplyDeletehi evrim,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction really affected me..There is a mistake l think."some film's dvd, some musıc's cd"=>you should write some film's dvds,some music's cds..Conclusion can be longer.Anyway,its organization is also good.see you later my friend.
Evrim,
ReplyDeleteThe essay you wrote sounds very interesting.
However, a careful reading of the essay portrays some spelling, word choice and syntactic errors you need to correct. Watch out my comments in the parantheses below:
"the world I live is not known by anybody.This place serves only me and because of this, it is my own world.(this sentence is abit weakly written-rewrite) It is the place (in which) I study,watch movies and listen (to) music in tranquality.It contains some special things.
Firstly ,as you open the door, you feel the mystery.Many years ago, my brother had this room and he died in it and now, I have it.Although I don't believe it , everybody who comes (to) my room feels it.The other thing , it(2)s a cozy place and what made (makes) it cozy is the wall's colour.The co(l)our is purple ,but (it is)not dark purple.It affects your mood since you enter (into-delete) it.At the right side of the room, ther(w)e is bed.It belongs(ed) to my brother and in front of you,you can see my bed.It's near the window.Due to this,while you are listening (to) music,you can enjoy (with) the sky's bea(u)ty.At the corner,my computer sits on the desk and at the bottom of it,there are some (film's-delete) dvd (films), some musıc's cd.You can choose one of them and you enjoy (with-delete) it.Another thing is bookcases.Actually, this bookcase belongs to my father.It (is-add) composed of his books.
It is my world.When I was a young child ,I didn't like (enjoying with( delete) my room, but now I like (ıt is peaceful atmosphere-awkward sentence- rewrite)."
Why don't you add some more descripitve details of the room if possible?